Notes on the Town of the Bitchfor Nicole Santalucia
By Nin Andrews
1. In the town of the Bitch, bitching is a sacred art. Everyone must bitch. Men, women, children, infants, dogs . . .
2. But in recent years a new type of citizen has emerged, a serene citizen. The townies are alarmed by the presence of these new and serene citizens in their midst, and refer to them only as Mr. and Ms. Serenity.
3. Meanwhile the average person continues to bitch, not only for themselves but also for Mr. and Ms. Serenity.
4. Recent research suggests a correlation between the number of hours one bitches and the integrity of a person. For this reason, no one trusts Mr. and Ms. Serenity.
5. Sometimes Mr. and Ms. Serenity dream of bitching. They thrash and swear and wake in their beds, sheets soaked, swear words escaping their lips. But how to make them bitch in public, like everyone else? medical experts wonder.
7. Therapists call Mr. and Mrs. Serenity les homme manques, likening them to those humans whose essential ingredients are missing.
8. According to The Joy of Bitching, the ability to bitch, like the ability to achieve orgasms, can be lost forever through lack of practice.
9. A lifetime without bitching can render a man impotent, a woman frigid, and both eternally forgettable, much like puffy white clouds on a serenely blue sky.